Thoughts about Autocratic Parenting

(Sorry, I just can’t stop ranting.)

I have seen many examples of parenting styles throughout the years of working as a nanny. Most families do not stick solely to just one style. The autocratic parents that I have worked for are mostly inconsistent. In fact, most of the parents I have worked for are just plain inconsistent when it comes to caring for their children. They are brilliant parents at times but they can go nuts over minor problems on some days. Suddenly, they expect their children to do as they were told. Once the bout is over, these parents are back to being relaxed and laid back again. It can be confusing for the children. I just find the ‘psychotic episodes’ educational. LOL

The visitors to Bree’s house got me thinking. I do not know them well. In fact, it was the first time we met. I therefore have no right to assume that the mother and son have episodes like the other day all the time. As a nanny, I have however worked in households where battles were a common occurrence. I find that autocratic parents, who subscribe to the ‘do-what-I-say’ approach, can make their children feel useless and/or terribly angry. Children growing up in such households can become super defiant towards anyone; especially people they think have some kind of authority over them. They bring with them a loaded bag of tricks to their school or the local playground to unleash their peers with hostility they have mastered from being on the receiving end at home. A typical reaction is to ostracize the offender but such a move can further damage the child’s social development.

Luckily, not all children go down the same road. Some just back down and become ‘good’ kids. These children behave like robots, doing everything as told with little to no resistance. This can lead parents into thinking that they have achieved some sort of success in creating an obedient child. Despite appearing fine, upon closer observation, these children lack self-confidence and do not view themselves positively. How could they possibly see themselves for what they truly are when they have been totally over-powered? Sometimes I wonder if such children want to even look at themselves or think for themselves. Why bother? Is it possible for them to become accustom to the rules controlling their lives?

An autocratic parenting style can also create sneaky children. They behave wonderfully in the presence of people they deem as ‘important’ but are actually the total opposite in ‘private’. They probably worry about not being loved or accepted by their parents if they behave not as expected. At the same time, they also learn to cover up their ‘tracks’ when they are up to no good. They probably also seek opportunities to be in situations where they can let their real personalities shine. If the relationship between parents and child is not strained because the child prefers the company of others, it can be ruined when the child’s ‘secret life’ is revealed. Someone I knew was like that. She was such a lovely girl. My mum used to talk highly about her. Behind our parents’ backs, she was the first to swear like a sailor, smoke, drink alcohol and dropped out of school at the end of Yr 10 because she was sick of playing her parents’ games. Her relationship with her parents has been rocky to this day.
There is a bit of a rebel, goody-two-shoes and sneaky weasel inside each and every one of us. It is typical for a child to display a minimal amount of defiance. This is especially common among toddlers and teenagers. In terms of being good, many busy adults have trouble seeing it, but the opposite of defiance happens more often than we give children credit. And who wouldn’t find at least one attempt to be sneaky if we search our own childhood recollections? Unfortunately, children who are genuinely affected by autocratic parenting display a greater amount of the behavioural issues mentioned above. It doesn’t just occur during specific developmental stages. In Alexandra’s case, her mum used to say, “It’s like there is no end to the terrible 2’s.” Alexandra was then approximately 5.5.

Trying all sorts of things (e.g. humiliations, rewards) to control children so they will do what we expect of them will not work. It may look like it is working but it is not effective on the long run. Apart from the problems mentioned above, others surface, including the possible destruction of the bond between parents and child. The parenting style of my current charges’ parents is very similar to mine. We believe in working cooperatively with the child. We try our best to guide them but at the same time we are also sensitive to the choices they make. For instance, before the visitors arrived, I did prep Bree about greeting and saying ‘Thank you’ but I never made it a demand. The little tot is free to decide. It was great that Bree behaved well but if she had refused or forgot to do what we discussed, I would have stepped in and greeted the visitors or thanked them for us. In doing that, I would have modelled to my young charge the kind of good manners we should all adopt. Our similar practice makes it very easy for me to support the parents’ hard work when it comes to the care of the children. I believe that our consistent approach also makes it less confusing to the children. Unless you have worked in households where your work is constantly undermined, you wouldn’t understand how relieved I am to be working for these two wonderful families.

Got Me Thinking about Alexandra

Warning: This is another long post!

The behaviour of the little visitor that came with his mum to Bree’s house reminded me of an ex-charge of mine. When I was looking after tricky Alexandra, who can be very rebellious at times, her mum used to force her to thank me or to apologise to me in applicable situations. At times, Alexandra stood defiantly rebelling against her mum’s requests and then demands. Her mum used to react to this by pleading, threatening and then embarrassing the child. What did this nanny do? I stood with a blank facial expression or acted like I was bored. There was nothing I could do. In that household, I was not expected to take up the role of Supernanny and start giving suggestions, especially in situations like this. When the parents were in the mood to ‘listen’ to me, my suggestions were usually rejected or they just went in one ear and out the other. At times Alexandra would give in to her mum and say what was expected of her but this was usually done without sincerity or meaning. In my opinion, that type of response was meaningless but her mum would usually accept them and move on. Other times, Alexandra would do battle to the end and refuse point blank to do what was expected of her. Her mum would usually back down especially if it was time for me to leave. On at least two occasions, she explained her daughter’s personality as stubborn, a highly valuable trait if she was to grow up to work at her dad’s business. She said the same when explaining Alexandra’s bullying tactics at the Early Learning Centre she attended at the time. On another occasion, she said that hired help shouldn’t be expecting to be thanked all the time because they are just doing their job. She looked a little embarrassed after saying that and tried to smile. I wasn’t smiling. In fact I was fuming!

In Alexandra’s case, I didn’t think she lacked knowing when to say what. This is referring to when Alexandra was 4 – 5.5. When handling hot situations like these on my own, I would usually give her 15-30 minutes to cool off by herself (making sure that her younger siblings were out of her way) and when she was ready; she would usually approach me to say what she wanted with sincerity. I have observed many other instances when Alexandra behaved like a polite little lady. The battles happened more so because she enjoyed getting into loggerheads with anyone she fancied at the time. It was like a game to her. Alexandra’s problem had more to do with the anger generated from being forced to do something but her parents preferred band-aid solutions. I sometimes suspected that they didn’t really want to fix the problems at all.

As I have said in another post recently, threats and humiliations won’t do. With headstrong children like Alexandra, doing so is just going to invite them to rebel even more. With children who are more passive and have a tendency to hide their feelings, humiliations can seriously lead to long term damage. They can hide so well that the effects don’t start to show until they are in their teens (or later); freaking the parents into wondering what happened to their quiet one. We do not want the child to say thank you or do certain things just because she is afraid that the adult might ridicule or punish if she didn’t. Neither is it a good idea for the adults to be inconsistent and settle for meaningless responses from the child. I am not urging adults to fight fire with gasoline but in most cases, giving each other a break of a few minutes will cool down the situation to create a better outcome for all. The child’s responses and good intended actions have to come from the heart and it takes time for them to learn and feel that.

I find it easier to teach good manners to 3-6 year olds via short informal chats because they have short attention spans. Long lectures put everyone off (including the readers of this blog who may find that this post is getting too long) and to ensure that I don’t embarrass them, I create situations with characters of the same age so they don’t feel like I am picking on them. I may use puppets, figurines or soft toys to act out these short stories. If possible, I will use picture books with similar themes. It is important to demonstrate to the child the right way to handle the situation being discussed. It has to be clear and obvious because a young child is unlikely to read the real message if the explanations are done too subtly. If the child is up for it, we will role play and a few of my creative ex-charges used to come up with their own scenarios. This type of play is not only demonstrating to the adult of their understanding but is also good for language development as well. Children do make mistakes or forget and when they do, I just take them aside to gently remind them, preferably soon after the incident. It has to be done in private without sounding like a scolding. Right or wrong, the child deserves a decent amount of respect.

When dealing with 6-10 year olds, I might tell them scenarios of what is inappropriate and then what is appropriate before asking them which is acceptable. There will always be a few cheeky ones who will insist on the inappropriate behaviour as being appropriate to stir things around. Another way to encourage good manners is to ask the child how they feel if someone thanks them, apologises to them or simply behaves in a caring and polite way. The child’s response is likely to be positive. I sometimes also switch the question around by asking how another person would feel if the child behaved in a polite manner. Older children who are capable of abstract thinking can better handle this type of questions and are therefore likelier to give an honest response to this question. To this, I would encourage the child to do the same to people around him/her.

I Love Being a Nanny

Spurred on by a few insensitive comments made by someone I barely knew, I decided to write this piece to broadcast to the world my passion in working with little children. Let me just remind the world one more time that being a nanny is not just about changing nappies. There is more to it. I love being a nanny, caring for little children in the security of their own homes. In my opinion, little children should ideally grow up in a small family setting until they are at least 3 or 4 before they are gradually introduced to regular organized programmes in the wider community. Ideally, children should also be cared for by their own parents but sometimes this is not possible if they both work or are operating some kind of business. The parents I work for can afford nannies and they prefer to have one other regular carer looking after their child or children in the comfort of their own homes. Little children are better cared for by a few regular carers (e.g. parents + nanny) as this will help them to establish strong bonds and trust. Babies and toddlers are very generous, loving little beings. If encouraged, they love their nannies just as much as their other primary caregivers (e.g. parents).

Before reading the next part, I just would like to remind everyone that I am aware that most people can’t afford to hire a nanny and there are people out there who are strongly against the idea of having a ‘stranger’ looking after their own precious little ones in the family home.

Sometimes, people argue that it is important to drop their children off at a day care centre for socialization purposes. In my experience, I find that the socialization aspects of my charges are not compromised just because they spend most of the weekdays with me. They do play with other children in the park and on days spent with their parents when I am not there, my charges do play with the children of family friends. Most have some kind of regular get togethers with other children. My current charges are single children without siblings and yet both Bree and Stella are sociable little beings. Each child has a strong natural bond with her parents and bonding with their nanny is just a natural extension of the same process. The parents and I work together to foster good self-esteem and independence in the girls to prepare them for when they join other children in the outside world. Already we are seeing how Stella is not easily swayed by the opinions of her new friends at the primary school. Interacting with people of different ages (e.g. me, siblings and other people) is a form of communication that I strongly encourage all of my charges to do. (How often do we see a work environment where everyone is of the same age?) Such experiences will give children a feel of what is comfortable and what is not while still being supervised. Imagining young children being cared for long hours in a large noisy setting where everyone, except the carers, is of similar age group is nightmarish to me. They deserve to spend at least a few of their early years discovering themselves, connecting with their home environment and practising social interactions in small ‘controlled’ doses. Children who are too young or not yet ready to handle such situations are not only immersed in chaos each day but are also likely to become preoccupied with conforming to gain peer acceptance or become easily confused by conflicting values. Again I must stress that I am aware that not everyone can afford a nanny. Parents have to make the most out of the options available to them.

One of the insensitive comments I received compared a nanny like me to servants working in neighbouring countries. I find that very hurtful considering that it came from someone I barely knew. This was not a comment left in my blog. The person was a friend of a neighbour. She knew very little about what my work entails. She definitely wouldn’t have a clue of what I offer my charges. I do not just mind them, feed them and keep them clean and out of trouble until the parents come home. That is easy work but I do more to teach my little charges, helping them to become independent individuals. For instance, instead of serving them like they are totally helpless, I observe and provide developmentally appropriate opportunities for them to learn to help themselves. Let me tell you that teaching a little tot how to prepare her own jam penny involves more work and preparation than just shoving a ready made one in front of the child during snack time. Despite the extra work, I absolutely enjoy teaching children little things like this. It is such a delightful sight to see a happy child beaming with pride because she learned to make her own simple snack and made more to share with me or with her parents. I wouldn’t have done it for so long if I didn’t enjoy what I am doing. I can honestly declare to the world that my current position is not a form of modern day slavery. Mind you, there are parents out there who are capable of turning a job like mine into hell simply because they are in the position of hiring a nanny. It is the parents, not the children that are usually the troublemakers and I have seen quite a few ugly parents.

I have learned a lot from being a nanny. One day, all the hands on experiences of dealing with little children will no doubt become handy when I am blessed with my own little ones. As for the ugly parenting that I have witnessed, I am adamant to never apply them to anyone’s children, let alone mine. Despite my enjoyment, my career as a nanny will not go on forever. The biological clock is ticking louder than ever. Hopefully my side project will take flight making it possible for a smooth transition to a new career in the near future. The road ahead is likely to be bumpy but we are becoming readier than ever to take on this next adventure that we have been working on for so long. Meanwhile I will just enjoy the rest of my time playing nanny to Stella and Bree.

I apologise to those of you who find this post long and too full of rants. I just need to get it off my chest. I do not wish to offend parents of children in day care centres or child care workers out there but those are my opinions and everyone is entitled to have their own. If you disagree with my views then let’s just agree to disagree.

Good Manners like Saying Thank You

Warning: This is a long post!
In my years of working with families, taking care of little children, I have seen things people do to get their children to behave in a certain way and to say certain words to at least look like they are well behaved. For instance, some new parents are so eager to either be good examples right from the start or for fear of being judged by another adult (especially a nanny), they ask the baby of only a few months old to say thank you when something is handed to him or her. I think that in many of these instances, the parents were doing it for show because the child is way too young to be aware of such social rules and when the right timing comes along, few parents actually consider spending time teaching the child the fine details of good manners. And by the time the house is filled with additional children, some parents are so exhausted; they either give up on these ‘little finer details of life’ and may even delegate the job to teachers or resort to threats and humiliation.

Threatening or humiliating a child is definitely the wrong way to encourage them to practise good manners. I am certain that it will backfire and depending on the child’s personality, it can be quite damaging. The example I gave before does not mean that I am against the idea of setting good examples. Role modelling is the most effective way but it shouldn’t be done as a show and if the child is expected to participate, then it should be age appropriate as well. The child’s adult carers, older siblings, other family members and friends are the role models. They need to be consistent because the young child is learning by observing what and how others behave in different situations. There is little point in teaching values like saying Thank You when no one around him follows that through in real life.

‘Ta’ is the easy word used widely in Australia as a way to say Thank You casually. This is not allowed in a few households because it is considered inferior to them. This is not a problem in the two households that I work for now. Stella is growing out of it while Bree has just begun to use it in the last few months.

One afternoon, Bree got up from her nap asking for ‘tanies’ (her word for sultanas) for afternoon tea. I decided right then that I was going to show her how to say Thank You. As she was sitting on the potty, I simply told her that when I give her ‘tanies’, she should say ‘ta’. She looked at me with a funny facial expression. I wasn’t sure if she was concentrating on what she was doing at the time or if she was having trouble understanding what I just said. LOL. Once she was seated at her little table, I handed her the opened cookie jar for her daily allowance of two Marie biscuits. (By the way, Bree has been able to count to two since before Christmas!) Before I got a chance to prompt her, she said, ‘Ta’. Half way through the first biscuit, I was at the kitchen counter pouring her half a cup of milk; she remembered her earlier request for ‘tanies’ and asked for it. I came back to her table with her milk and a small pack of sultanas. She didn’t thank me when I placed the milk in front of her. She must have forgotten because she was totally focussing on the pack of sultanas. LOL. I then reminded her by simply saying that Bree should say thank you or ‘ta’ when @#*-@#* gives her something. She didn’t say it but she was clearly listening. When she finished her last mouthful of biscuit, I placed two little sultanas on her plate. She thanked me before eating them. We repeated this until she ate about a third of the little box of sultanas. Bree is allowed to have half a box at a time and her allowance is normally placed on her plate except that I decided to play this little game with her that day to encourage her to say Thank You. She had less that day because she also had those two Marie biscuits. Even though little toddlers prefer small meals throughout the day, her parents prefer that she is not overfed during morning and afternoon tea times because food served at proper mealtimes (e.g. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) is far more nutritious than biscuits. Since then, we have also role played the sequence using props like her red puppy dog (a soft toy that looks rather like Clifford) and toy food. We have also branched out to other nice things to say (e.g. ‘please’). This is a long process especially with Bree partly because she has only just begun to use short sentences. Practice is the key to success. Apparently her dad didn’t quite know what to make of it when his little girl thanked him. LOL. He wasn’t expecting it and I think Bree is still pretty much the miracle baby that they brought home a little over two years ago.

Walking Around with Little Children

I love encouraging my charges to walk so they don’t become overtly depended on the buggy. Many people think that children must exercise by climbing the play equipment at the park but something as simple as just walking around the block is just as good to keep little children active. They love to explore the world just outside their home too. This is made easier if they live in neighbourhoods with less traffic. Depending on the child’s walking ability, I usually start doing this from the age of around 15-18 months. The child learns to hold my hand and we start off by just walking up and down the sidewalk outside. When they are ready, we might increase the distance to walking around the block. We do not go far and never crossed any streets at first. I keep it easy and manageable. We also stop to talk to friendly neighbours. This introduces the child to people in their neighbourhood and a start to learning what it feels like to speak to other people. I believe that it is through this type of repetitive familiarisation that a child can begin to learn what feels alright and what is not. I am not saying that this is a perfect ‘Stranger Danger’ lesson but it is a positive step for the child rather than scaring them into thinking that everyone is a monster. The child’s parents are always notified if some kind of conversation had taken place.

Children like Bree and Stella are easy because they do not have siblings to distract them or egg them on. Children with siblings are trickier, which is why I am always on guard. When going out as a group, the growing tot and older siblings may start to test their freedom at some stage but this should be taken care of ASAP before they get worse. I usually have a brief chat with my charges just before any outing. We talk about the destination, what we are planning to do and simple rules or expectations. I also find conversation with the children helpful in keeping everyone together. By engaging the child that is most likely to run amok, it helps to keep him occupied and distracts him from getting into any mischief. I must say that this is not fool-proofed. Inevitably, some children may have already developed bad habits by the time a nanny comes along. These children will need lots of work on the side before walking properly outdoors as a group is possible. In such a situation, the younger sibling/s of the offending child (hopefully there is only just one main offender) will need to be strapped into a buggy until the whole group can manage the walk. This is for the younger child/children’s safety in case if there is a flare up. In households where I am left with the youngest child for most of the day while the others are at school or kindergarten, the toddler and I go, when possible, walking just before the older children come home. This is timed to coincide with the older children’s arrival because they usually get quite a buzz seeing each other.

In my many years of experience, children that I look after from babyhood behave relatively well when taken outdoors and their parents notice the difference between them and their older siblings that weren’t in my care until much later. (The parents also notice other things as well.) Not all older siblings are little devils. The cheeky ones just need some extra work to learn what is appropriate and they usually come around within weeks. This does not mean that children seen taking a walk with me look like robots obeying my every order. Working with children is unpredictable and someone will test the nanny at any moment when she least expects it. I am not a perfect nanny but I haven’t been in any potentially dangerous situations for a while. That is because I am now working with the two easiest to look after little girls ever and one of them (Bree) has been under my care since she was a newborn.

Napping Everywhere

I am going to a baby shower next weekend. My friend Bonnie is about to have a baby. I have been told that she is due sometime towards the end of November. We have been warned (jokingly) not to make her laugh too much on the day for fear that her baby might want to join in the celebrations too.

Bonnie showed me the two sheepskins and a crib-size mattress she bought a couple of weeks ago. Although they have bought a cot, Bonnie would like to try practising what our friend in Japan did. Our friend used to live in a cramped apartment when their little boy was born. As described earlier in another post, they sleep on traditional Japanese futons that are stored away during the day. Their little boy sleeps that way too. Our friend used to leave his futon or mattress out in the day so he could sleep when he wished to. The family then moved to a 2 storey small house and the little tot acquired his first bedroom. Our friend continued to place a small futon downstairs in the living area to save them from climbing up the steep stairs each afternoon. When not in use, the futon was folded and kept in the cupboard under the stairs. Our friend wanted to maintain a close bond with her son. She felt that he was content as a baby because he was placed close to everyone in the house. From where the baby laid, he was able to observe all the action going on in the room. When he started to be more mobile, he also began to exhibit independence by settling himself. Our friend would continue with her chores while he napped nearby.

Bonnie is planning to do the same. She too would like to have a closer bond to her baby. She plans for her baby to nap nearby in the day and uses the cot only at night. Along with the investment of a brand new Mountain Buggy, she also bought a matching carry cot. She is planning to use the carry cot for her baby’s day naps in the first few weeks before gradually easing the growing baby to either the sheepskin or crib mattress. She has already made a few covers for the crib mattress. She too thinks that her baby will benefit from napping where everyone will be. She doesn’t think that her baby will be bothered by everyday sounds within a family home.

I am one of those who subscribes to the idea that a baby must sleep in peace, tucked away in his or her cot, in a bedroom far away from the rest of the family. I prefer baby rooms that are situated further away from the rooms where the rest of us congregate. This means that I have to rely on baby monitors especially if the baby has a sibling or more under my care because I can’t just check on the baby quietly without someone following me from behind and makes sudden loud noises. (LOL) I truly believe that a baby is less fussy if he or she has a good rest. Sleep is essential to give the body a chance to rest. It is also during sleep that the baby’s mind works to process all of the experiences the baby has had when he was awake.

I actually quite like the idea of having a baby nap nearby like what my friend did in Japan and what Bonnie is intending to do. I see the need to develop a close bond and how this type of sleeping arrangement might further enhance that. I also see how it will allow the child more freedom of movement without being trapped behind bars. However, I find it hard to leave a child sleeping on the floor, separated only by a thin mattress or sheepskin. I can see myself giving it a go when I visit Japan but I can’t see myself sleeping like that permanently. I am just not sure about sleeping so close to surfaces like carpets. I guess I am bothered by the close proximity to dust and everyday dirt. It doesn’t matter if the ground covers are floorboards, carpets or tatami mats, they must be kept meticulously clean if anyone is going to nap on it. This is less of a problem if a baby is sleeping in a cage, aka a cot that is usually raised above the grounds. I think my repulsion from dirt came from witnessing and implementing sleeping arrangements for children in day care centres all those years ago. Children slept on mattresses on the floors in the same room where they had played and eaten earlier. Because the transition process from lunch to nap time is highly hectic, sometimes the floors were not cleaned properly before mattresses were placed according to a set floor plan for the children to nap on. I have seen children napping next to their shoes or next to bits of food from lunch and sand or dirt from outside. Most of these places did not encourage children to wear slippers or socks indoors and the shoes that they arrived in outdoors. As a result, children playing outside before lunch time brought in extra dirt when they came in for lunch. I do not blame the carers for being lazy because the floors were not cleaned properly. There is only so much that two carers can do. Some carers were lucky because their centres hired extra staff for the busy transition period. I must also add that not all centres use only mattresses (with sheets, pillows and small doonas). Some centres use little stretchers.

Back to the idea of napping around the house on sheepskin or crib size mattress, I definitely will not recommend this idea to any families that I work for. As a nanny, I am not confident enough to recommend anything remotely alternative. I would rather stick to what is recommended as common practice in the mainstream. It is always the nanny’s fault if anything goes wrong. It is better to be safe than sorry. As to whether I will implement this technique when I have my own child, I think I will continue to observe Bonnie for now. I may consider it if it works out for her.

Note: Readers who are considering alternative parenting should do further research. Please do not rely on what I have written as gospel.

An Art Corner At Home

I received a phone call from Bree’s mum on Tuesday night. She said she is going to have the finger-painting prints framed. Bree’s dad was very proud of her work. I was told that the finger-painting activity gave her an idea on what to get Bree for her 2nd birthday. They had been wondering what to get her. Up until Tuesday, they were thinking about buying a cubby house or outdoor play unit for their small backyard. She is now thinking that art equipment may be more appropriate.

Bree’s mum asked if an easel was an essential item. I told her that most of the children I looked after have an easel at home but many don’t really use them. Parents enjoy witnessing their child unwrapping a big present, but they don’t often continue to provide items so their child can use the easel properly. They may also find it too cumbersome to clean up after their children’s painting sessions. While modern easels come with a storage area for the paint pots or chalk, so they are always accessible to the little artists, many parents can’t possibly leave the items out at all times because of a younger baby’s presence and some prefer a minimalist look around the house, without the permanent ‘clutter’ of an easel in the family room. Some parents even come to resent the chalk dust after a while. So, I suggested that they should think seriously before investing in an easel.

From my experience, most children are quite happy to do artwork at their own little tables. I think ample art supplies and proper storage for their art equipment is more important than getting an easel. It is off-putting to expect a child to draw if their markers no longer work or if their colouring pencils are of such a low quality that they are constantly breaking. While I may have mentioned markers, I am not a big fan of them. I am not against them because I am the one who has to clean them up if children use them to draw on the walls. In fact, one can buy washable ones these days (think Crayola). I am against them because they don’t teach children about shades. Children using colouring pencils will discover that they can produce darker or lighter shades by the strength of their application. Providing different types of paper is just as important. Plain A4 paper is fine for drawing. A large roll of butcher’s paper is a good budget option for painting at the easel. Thicker type construction paper is also good for collage or 3D art and Origami paper is not just great for Origami but is also great for cutting exercises. Collecting clean, used packaging (e.g., Cereal Boxes) in a useful box encourages children to reuse creatively.

All of the equipment mentioned above should be stored neatly in a cupboard accessible to the little artist/s. At Stella’s house, she has a cupboard designated just for her art materials. Her mum paints during her spare time, so she decided that Stella should also have her own little art cupboard. Both mother and daughter have a cupboard next to their own easel. Stella watches what her mother does and has learnt from a young age to clean up afterwards. She doesn’t just turn up at the easel demanding to do a painting. She knows how to retrieve the paint pots from the cupboard, select the brushes required and rolls herself a fresh part of the butcher’s paper on the easel. (She has one of those easels where the roll of butcher’s paper is attached.) Everything she needs is neatly organized in this cupboard. There is even a little ice-cream container with a sponge and a spray bottle filled with water for cleaning up spills. Unlike other children, she doesn’t run away after her painting. She knows to take the brushes to the sink to wash them and then let them dry in the backyard. The painting is left on the easel to dry and display. When she is ready, she may ask for it to be cut and removed. Her paintings are stored neatly in a big box. Observing how Stella handles things so maturely scares me sometimes.

At Bree’s age, she requires only a minimal amount of equipment at this stage. I have offered her black pencils and a fat black crayon to draw, but I must say that her creations with these pencils and crayons didn’t draw as much attention from her parents as her red finger-painting. For drawing, black pencils and crayons are a must as are ample supplies of white paper. When she is ready to paint, paints in the 3 primary colours should be introduced first. She will need bigger and stiffer brushes, one for each paint pot. Choose paint pots with a stopper. The paint pots should be placed on a stool next to where the child is painting. It should be next to the child’s preferred hand. Stella’s neighbour made her a wooden caddy to place her paint pots in. It carries up to 10 paint pots and it has a handle for easy transport. It is very handy indeed. Going back to painting, Bree will definitely need a smock. A plain smock (e.g. made of plain calico) is ideal but I have a feeling that they will buy her a multi-coloured one. Maybe I could make her one for her birthday. I shall talk to her mum first.

An easel does have its use, and was not invented for no reason. It allows the user to view the entire painting right in front of them. It also helps to develop large muscle control. I have observed children who painted really well on an easel. One little boy of 4 (at the time) would paint using different colours trying different brushes. He would stand back to admire his painting every now and then. He would check out the brush work and the colours from different angles. No one at the day care centre had ever told him to do that. We thought he must have learned it from home but we later found out that no one at home was painting either. He probably worked it out for himself.

The amount of materials is only minimal when a child first starts doing artwork. As more colours, brushes and other things (e.g. scissors, glues, clay, etc) are introduced, the amount of materials grows very quickly. This is why a cupboard designated for art materials is essential. Art is a fairly affordable activity that we should encourage children to explore. Everyone can express their feelings through art. It is something that anyone from around the age of 18 months onwards can enjoy.

Less nappies = $$$ Saved

Bree’s mum told me the other day that she noticed savings in her grocery bills. With the costs of everything going up and up these days, she was wondering the reason behind her lower grocery bills. It was when she was changing Bree into her pyjamas one day that she realised that Bree is now using less disposable nappies. Using only 2-4 daily nowadays, there is no longer the need to purchase nappies as frequently as before.

Bree’s mum is also saving money in another area. Taking my suggestion, she bought some clothes for Bree from Target instead of expensive children’s boutiques. To the family, Bree is a miracle baby. Since her arrival, Bree has always been given the best of the best. She is usually dressed in very expensive clothes from top to toe. I recently suggested cheaper type and easier to manage clothes from Target. Pants that a child can pull up easily and take off quickly are useful for learning how to dress. Bree didn’t seem to mind one bit. She is happy wearing leggings from Target or Jeans from Fred Bare or Ralph Lauren.

Velcro Shoes

I love shoes with Velcro fasteners. In fact, I love anything invented to help young children to master life skills more easily. I read somewhere that Velcro was first invented for use by NASA during outer space missions. It is such a versatile thing.

When toddlers first learn to put shoes on by themselves, the initial objective is to actually have the shoes put on properly on each foot. Thongs and slip-on shoes are easy to put on but they usually do not offer as much support. Shoes with Velcro fasteners, buckles and laces offer the user adjustments to suit his/her own comfort level. Shoes with Velcro fasteners are the easiest for a toddler to master by far. They are easy to adjust and to fasten. Later when the child is ready for the challenge, shoes with buckles and then shoes with laces can be introduced. Allow the children plenty of opportunities to practice during the day by turning it into a game to try on different clothing items. Most children would enjoy spending time doing this with an adult. Time management is always important when working with children. If children are expected to dress themselves, be prepared to give them an ample amount of time to do so. The last thing a busy adult wants is to battle to put a shoe on for a wilful toddler who insists on putting it on by him/herself.

Almost all children go through a stage of not knowing which shoe to put on which foot. Stella’s mum has a neat idea. She taught Stella to take off her shoes and place each one in front of her in the right order before picking them up and placing them neatly on her shoe rack. This way, Stella could put them on without asking for help because they are already in the right order.

Another trick I used to teach pre-school aged children is to encourage them to look at the soles of the shoes. The straight edge is always on the outside of the foot and the curved edge in on the inside. Some children may not understand it immediately but they usually do after plenty of practice.

Shoes with Velcro fasteners also almost always have tabs fastened to the outer side of the foot. This feature too can act as a reminder for children to learn to put their shoes on in the right order.

Walker Wagons

I have loved walker wagons since the first time that I saw them, when I was doing my first round of practicals training to be a Pre-school Mothercraft Nurse. I remember observing an older baby who was already crawling at the time, holding onto the side of the wagon, trying to get up so that he could hold the bar like another child nearby. He tried for a while but was simply not confident enough at the time to stand up on his two feet while holding onto the bar. Instead, the boy just got behind the wagon, grabbed hold of its back and pushed it as he tried to ‘walk’ on his knees. It was like he was crawling semi-upright. During the two weeks that I was there he never progressed beyond this stage but he often came back to it and was happy to keep on practising.

Almost every child that I have looked after from babyhood as a nanny has used a walker wagon. It is a safer option compared to the ‘traditional’ walkers that parents used to strap their children into. The child is able to manage this activity and can let go or keep going as he/she wishes and is therefore able to move onto something else without adults’ intervention. That said, safety in the environment is still very important and supervision is definitely required. This is especially relevant if the child is playing on uneven surfaces and near stairwells without safety gates.

The son of a friend of mine was playing with his walker wagon when Mum stepped into the bedroom to pick up her purse. Suddenly something came crashing down the wooden stairwell. She rushed out to find her child at the edge of the stairs. The noise was made by the walker wagon tumbling down the stairs. Luckily the boy let go of the wagon but my friend was in total shock thinking that her son must have fallen down the stairs with the walker wagon. It could have happened. Now imagine a child strapped into one of those ‘traditional’ walkers. The consequences could have been far worse. My friend and his husband are first time parents and had put off installing safety devices. They bought and installed safety gates that very day and they were thankful their son wasn’t hurt.

Another friend also bought a walker wagon for her daughter. I remember how it was heavier than most that I have seen. She told me the wagon was made by an organization for disabled people. I wish I can remember the details so I can inform everyone reading this blog. Her husband also filled up the wagon with wooden blocks given to the girl for Christmas to add extra weight. This prevented the wagon from tipping over as she learned to pull herself up into a standing position. The weight also made it difficult for the wagon to move too easily. This made it easier for her to control in the beginning. Before the family left Australia, the then toddler, used to place her favourite teddy bears in the wagon to take for a walk.

Toy Library Membership

There are many services provided by local councils to help parents throughout Victoria. One of my favourite is the Toy Library. I believe Toy Libraries exist in many suburbs and that many children (rich and poor) benefited from them.

Toy libraries provide their members a selection of top quality toys to use at home. The children are welcome to come in and select a toy, or their parents may pick something for them as a surprise to take home. The toys are not just any old licensed product. The selection that I have seen in my work was rather impressive. I have seen wooden puzzles and games that one would normally find in the catalogues of top quality toy shops like Windmill. There were sandpit toys, trucks, baby’s toys, dollhouses and wooden toys. These are the kind of toys seen in many kindergartens or day care centres. A few girls that I have looked after have also borrowed pieces of wooden ‘furniture’ (e.g. wooden oven, wooden ‘hills’ hoist, wooden ironing board with wooden iron) to add to their home-corner at home. There were also some ‘big ticketed’ items by brands such as Little Tikes and Step 2. These items include the popular Little Tikes Cosy Coupe, Little Tikes kitchens, small slides for young toddlers and walker wagons. Mind you, access to a station wagon or 4WD would be handy to take these big toys home.

Children go through various stages of development in the first six years of life. They are interested in different things as they grow. On top of food, clothes and shoes, parents are spending a lot of money equipping their little ones with the latest range of toys and other modern day ‘necessities’. Over time, a household with 3 children may end up looking like they have enough toys and other items to operate their own childcare business. (Do take this lightly. I do know that regulations exist to control the quality and management of child care centres.) This is why I personally think a toy library membership is such a good idea for those of us who are budget conscious. Rather than buying every single popular item on the market, parents can borrow them from the library. There are enough toys at the toy library to suit children at different developmental stages and choosing a different item each visit gives each child the variety that he/she couldn’t get bored of. Parents also have the opportunity to choose particular items (e.g. big ticketed items) for trial at home to see if their children really like them before deciding to buy. This way, if an item is not popular, it can be returned to the library and no one will have to regret buying the item in the first place. Imagine the $$ saved. For parents who do not live in ‘mansions’ sitting on large blocks, there will always be ample space for the children to use different items without having to worry too much about (long term) storage.

Now, many parents are very concerned about germs and infections. Imagine a baby putting a toy that you borrowed from the toy library into his/her mouth. Please don’t put off joining a toy library by what you just read. I have been told that members are supposed to clean each item before returning them. I have also been told that volunteers keep the toys clean. If parents are still worried they can be triply sure by disinfecting the items they have borrowed once they get home. Just be mindful that the little ones do not begin playing with the chemicals (Spray & Wipe, Domestos, PineOCleen) while you are concentrating on the cleaning.

I always suggest toy libraries to the families that I work for. A few parents are put off by the idea because members (parents) are expected to volunteer to help run the library. Some parents I know have heavy work schedules on weekdays and would dearly wish to stay at home or go to the country on their weekend so as to spend quality time with the children. Volunteering a few hours shouldn’t be a problem to SAHMs or mums who work part-time. One parent I know used to hand her kids over to her husband one Saturday each month to man the toy library with another member. I praised her for that arrangement because the children got to spend time with Dad alone. He would buckle the children into the pusher made for jogging and take them for a run, or buckle them into a ‘trailer’ attached to his bike for an outing. I think even dads can volunteer at the toy libraries. They come in handy to help move the big toys. For anyone in the local community who is good at fixing things, I was told that toy libraries gladly welcome their help to fix broken toys.

Step Up Stools

When I typed the word ‘stools’, it was meant to refer to a piece of furniture and not poo. It does however go hand in hand with toilet training.

I would recommend introducing this handy piece of furniture soon after the child has begun walking steadily. As the child becomes more mobile, he/she is likely to experiment with different ways of becoming more independent. I would also recommend introducing the step up stool before the potty. This will enable the child to become familiar with one item at a time.

Initially have the stool placed near where you would normally change the child (e.g. the child’s bathroom or bedroom). Show him/her how he/she can sit on it to take off his own slippers and to undress him/herself. He/she may need help but think of the boost in confidence and the sense of accomplishment for the child to know that he/she is capable of taking his/her pants off before a nappy change. Learning to take his/her pants off by him/herself is one preparatory step towards learning to use the toilet independently.

Later, the stool can be used by the child to reach the taps to wash hands, brush teeth and brush hair.

From my own work experience, I have seen quite a few different types of stools. There’s the Baby Bjorn plastic step stool. This is a sturdy little stool that is popular among parents who would like to buy everything from this trusted Swedish label. Baby Bjorn makes potties and toilet trainer seats as well. (Yes, Baby Bjorn is the maker of that very famous and comfortable baby carrier.) For parents who are budget conscious, Ikea also sells non-slip plastic stools. I remember that they used to be made somewhere in Europe but I am not sure if they are still made there, since they have recently changed the colours. When I visited Ikea recently, I saw a taller plastic stool. I guess that they have two models to choose from now. There is also the option of buying a wooden one from a children’s boutique or from craft markets. The ones that I have seen are either plain (with a clear finish) to show off the natural wood, or painted with animals or fairies. I think these are more pricey and do not come with non-slip feet or non slip surface.

It is a good idea to buy multiple stools, one for the child’s bathroom, one for the child’s bedroom and one for the other bathroom or powder room near the living room or the child’s play area. Some parents purchase a wooden one for the child’s bedroom and use the plastic ones in the bathrooms.

Unsuitable ‘Work wear’ for Baby Girls (Pretty Dresses & Skirts)

Clothing stores catering to young children usually have a larger girls department than boys. Amongst all the jumpers, shirts, pants, shorts, coats, tights etc are dresses and skirts ranging from size 0000 up. Many parents wish to dress their little girls as femininely as possible, probably because they want to help others to easily distinguish their new baby’s gender. Some parents do really see the need to doll up their little baby girl, turning them into little princesses from birth.

Unfortunately, a baby girl wearing a dress or a skirt is just not practical at all. A baby develops crucial motor skills in the first twelve months. She learns to roll, to sit up, to crawl and then to pull herself up before learning to take the first steps. Mastering all these skills are part of the baby’s work and her attempts can be hampered or restricted by dresses or skirts. Imagine a baby learning to crawl; she will have difficulty not stepping on the front of the dress with her knees. This is not only obstructing movement but causes frustration as well. We, as adults, usually have a schedule for exercise and dress accordingly for it. Little babies do not have a strict schedule for exercise; they are on the move even while they sleep. Have you ever tuck baby at the foot of the cot in the evening to find baby creeping away towards the other end? Little babies are also unable to dress themselves before working on their motor skills. So, it is better for us (the adults) to dress them suitably in the first place. This way, they are always ready to work.

The range of dresses or skirts available out there is surely enticing. I agree with that wholeheartedly. I saw some very lovely dresses by Ralph Lauren at David Jones just the other day. So until little miss is walking confidently, it is a better idea to wear dresses only on special events for short durations (e.g. family photos). Even without dresses or skirts, the alternatives out there for little girls are unlimited.