The ‘Shame’ of Using Real Nappies

Mathilde’s cranky mum once told me that she was not keen to introduce me to any of her friends for fear that I might leave her to go and work for them instead. I found it quite funny that she was so frank about this. She eventually did introduce me to another mum from Mathilde’s playgroup. Ned and Kelly’s mum was desperate for a babysitter because she was unable to extend the children’s hours at the local daycare centre. She needed someone to look after the children once a week for a few months before their seachange. I accepted the offer.

During the initial interview, I asked about the children, gathering information to learn more about their daily routines. Because Ned was still in nappies I naturally asked if they used real or disposable nappies. She told me that he is in disposable nappies. I didn’t ask the question to cause guilt. For as long as I have been asking the same question to all new families, I have yet to encounter a child who uses real nappies in my working life as a nanny. Real nappies may be a lot of extra work but I am happy to give it a try if any of my charges use them. When Ned’s mum answered my question all those years ago, I sensed that she was somewhat ‘affected’ by my question. I didn’t quite know why but chose not to push it. She did however show me her ‘unique’ nappy routine. She showed me how Ned uses a nappy liner in his disposable nappy and how if he did a poo in the nappy, the poo must be flushed down the toilet before wrapping and disposing the used disposable nappy. All other parents that I have worked for do not do this and when I have suggested this, many just look at me like I have suggested a parenting style from Mars. Ned’s mum didn’t use wet wipes either. They used terry or flannelette face cloths and toilet paper for messier jobs. The used cloths are soaked in a bucket of Napisan solution. Ned’s mum washed them in the washing machine every second day. I thought her routine was interesting and she was probably doing it to lessen the impact on the environment.

One day, Mathilde’s cranky mum told me stories about the playgroup. She told me how the group members used to laugh behind the back of Ned’s mum because everyone decided that Kelly smelled. Kelly is the older of the two children and is only a month older than Mathilde. I looked after both children and didn’t smell anything. I asked Mathilde’s mum what she meant by smelly and she explained that Kelly smelled because she used real nappies. I tried not to show shock on my face and I was also not convinced. Apparently all of the other mothers reckoned that Kelly didn’t smell like an ordinary baby. She didn’t have the sweet smell. She apparently smelled of urine all the time. Mathilde’s mum also asked me if Ned used real nappies at home. I told her that he used disposable nappies. To that Mathilde’s mum said, “That is why you didn’t smell anything offensive.” Before she left the house she warned me not to repeat any of this back to Ned and Kelly’s mum.

Towards the end of my short stint working for this family, the family home was often messy because they were trying to sort and pack things up for their seachange. In Ned’s room, I found piles and piles of terry squares and expensive AIO (all in one) nappies. I picked up one of the AIO nappies and said, “Wow! You must have spent a lot of money on these.” She looked down to the floor area where all the nappies were and told me that the children used to use real nappies. Although she looked less confident than normal she told me that Kelly used real nappies throughout her entire nappy days, but Ned used real nappies for only the first few months of his life. She told me that she didn’t stop because of inconvenience. She said she didn’t know that her babies were smelly until Ned was about four months old. Someone (from the playgroup) was asking her about real nappies before letting her know that Ned smelled of urine. She said that she is a supporter of real nappies but when she found out that people have been laughing behind her back she chose to stop using them. She didn’t want Kelly and Ned to be laughed at. At first she put disposable nappies on Ned when they were going out. Before long she was hooked on using disposable nappies all day. She said she wondered how long Kelly had been laughed at. I didn’t say a word and just stood there listening quietly. I could see the pain. Ned’s mum said that she might try using them again if they had another baby.

I felt awful that she found it shameful to use real nappies because of other people insensitivities. It is from that time onwards that I started to dislike playgroups. I think the idea behind playgroups is great if the mothers and the babies get the support they seek. Throughout my work I have seen parents coming home from playgroup gatherings feeling like they have failed because their child is not progressing as rapidly as another member’s child.

Unlike the Panadol ad where a new mum (who is apparently a GP) declared that she learned heaps (including things she wouldn’t have learned otherwise) from her mother’s group, some of the things the mothers of my charges have learned are just hilarious. One group is convinced that some of their children are ‘slow’ because they were IVF babies. One mother of a child who is speaking later than the others was accused of not revealing their IVF status. I didn’t know mothers were required to reveal how their child was conceived when joining such groups. How intrusive? Instead of celebrating individuality, the members are expected to conform. I am not surprised that some parents ditch their own ways just to avoid the shame of being laughed at. It is like high school all over again.