Thoughts about Autocratic Parenting

(Sorry, I just can’t stop ranting.)

I have seen many examples of parenting styles throughout the years of working as a nanny. Most families do not stick solely to just one style. The autocratic parents that I have worked for are mostly inconsistent. In fact, most of the parents I have worked for are just plain inconsistent when it comes to caring for their children. They are brilliant parents at times but they can go nuts over minor problems on some days. Suddenly, they expect their children to do as they were told. Once the bout is over, these parents are back to being relaxed and laid back again. It can be confusing for the children. I just find the ‘psychotic episodes’ educational. LOL

The visitors to Bree’s house got me thinking. I do not know them well. In fact, it was the first time we met. I therefore have no right to assume that the mother and son have episodes like the other day all the time. As a nanny, I have however worked in households where battles were a common occurrence. I find that autocratic parents, who subscribe to the ‘do-what-I-say’ approach, can make their children feel useless and/or terribly angry. Children growing up in such households can become super defiant towards anyone; especially people they think have some kind of authority over them. They bring with them a loaded bag of tricks to their school or the local playground to unleash their peers with hostility they have mastered from being on the receiving end at home. A typical reaction is to ostracize the offender but such a move can further damage the child’s social development.

Luckily, not all children go down the same road. Some just back down and become ‘good’ kids. These children behave like robots, doing everything as told with little to no resistance. This can lead parents into thinking that they have achieved some sort of success in creating an obedient child. Despite appearing fine, upon closer observation, these children lack self-confidence and do not view themselves positively. How could they possibly see themselves for what they truly are when they have been totally over-powered? Sometimes I wonder if such children want to even look at themselves or think for themselves. Why bother? Is it possible for them to become accustom to the rules controlling their lives?

An autocratic parenting style can also create sneaky children. They behave wonderfully in the presence of people they deem as ‘important’ but are actually the total opposite in ‘private’. They probably worry about not being loved or accepted by their parents if they behave not as expected. At the same time, they also learn to cover up their ‘tracks’ when they are up to no good. They probably also seek opportunities to be in situations where they can let their real personalities shine. If the relationship between parents and child is not strained because the child prefers the company of others, it can be ruined when the child’s ‘secret life’ is revealed. Someone I knew was like that. She was such a lovely girl. My mum used to talk highly about her. Behind our parents’ backs, she was the first to swear like a sailor, smoke, drink alcohol and dropped out of school at the end of Yr 10 because she was sick of playing her parents’ games. Her relationship with her parents has been rocky to this day.
There is a bit of a rebel, goody-two-shoes and sneaky weasel inside each and every one of us. It is typical for a child to display a minimal amount of defiance. This is especially common among toddlers and teenagers. In terms of being good, many busy adults have trouble seeing it, but the opposite of defiance happens more often than we give children credit. And who wouldn’t find at least one attempt to be sneaky if we search our own childhood recollections? Unfortunately, children who are genuinely affected by autocratic parenting display a greater amount of the behavioural issues mentioned above. It doesn’t just occur during specific developmental stages. In Alexandra’s case, her mum used to say, “It’s like there is no end to the terrible 2’s.” Alexandra was then approximately 5.5.

Trying all sorts of things (e.g. humiliations, rewards) to control children so they will do what we expect of them will not work. It may look like it is working but it is not effective on the long run. Apart from the problems mentioned above, others surface, including the possible destruction of the bond between parents and child. The parenting style of my current charges’ parents is very similar to mine. We believe in working cooperatively with the child. We try our best to guide them but at the same time we are also sensitive to the choices they make. For instance, before the visitors arrived, I did prep Bree about greeting and saying ‘Thank you’ but I never made it a demand. The little tot is free to decide. It was great that Bree behaved well but if she had refused or forgot to do what we discussed, I would have stepped in and greeted the visitors or thanked them for us. In doing that, I would have modelled to my young charge the kind of good manners we should all adopt. Our similar practice makes it very easy for me to support the parents’ hard work when it comes to the care of the children. I believe that our consistent approach also makes it less confusing to the children. Unless you have worked in households where your work is constantly undermined, you wouldn’t understand how relieved I am to be working for these two wonderful families.