Gift Giving Policy

I always celebrate my Christmases by giving. December is a time of giving and receiving. I give to the less fortunate and yes there are people out there less fortunate than a nanny. Like the average person, I also give to family and friends. For the young charges that I look after, they too are like many children around the world, hoping and wishing for a little surprise and I try not to disappoint them.

What can a nanny afford to give? I may not be able to afford electric ride-on Ferraris, German Steiff bears or Gotz dolls, iPods, French outfits or fully equipped cubby houses, but I usually try to plan ahead to give all my current charges something appropriate for their development. For Christmas, I usually start to observe what the children are into around November to decide what to give. The same rule is applied for their birthdays. I start to look out for any new interests emerging about a month or so before their birthdays. From my observations, I decide if a picture book or reference book would be appropriate. Books are always on the top of my list. Lego comes next. If I have the time, I might make the child something by hand. To children who are already receiving tonnes of other gifts, handmade gifts are welcomed. So far, I have not received a single complaint from those receiving something that I have made for them and children are known to give opinions. I have made and given capes (for dress ups), simple dresses, pyjamas, table mats (similar to one seen on Romper Room all those years ago) + matching napkins, bibs, aprons and simple hats for Summer.

The children are almost always appreciative. The older children (primary school ages) show their manners, thanking me nicely without being prompted. This includes the boys. Many of the children have never experienced receiving something that has been made especially for them. I will never forget the look of Michael’s eyes when he and his sister Annie each received a pair of handmade pyjamas for Christmas. He was 9 (nearly 10) at the time and was truly surprised that I know how to make pyjamas. To him, clothes were made in factories and sold in shops.

The adults are a different ball game. Most parents are appreciative, excluding the few rotten apples. From my experience some parents are taken by surprise that their children were in my thoughts and that I have gone out of my way to give them presents. A few of these parents were genuinely surprised and would rush about in the next few days to get me something in return, or planned to buy me something for my birthday. A few rotten apples however, would react as though I had inconvenienced them terribly by giving their children gifts. They thought that I expected them to reciprocate and that they had to include me onto their Christmas list or ‘to do’ list as well. These rotten apples tended also not to consider my existence on their birthday and Christmas cards lists either. It is not a nice feeling but I think this is OK. I enjoy giving the children gifts that I deem appropriate and see this as a way to show my appreciation to the families for giving me the opportunity to look after the children. If they chose not to reciprocate that is their choice. The idea is to give and receive graciously but not to expect to receive a gift simply because I have given them one.

What I do find offensive is when gifts are not received graciously. This happened a few years ago when I was still looking after Mathilde. This particular incident changed the way I see gift giving and has led to the implementation of my personal ‘Gift Policy’.

One Sunday, my friends and I went to MacDonald’s for lunch before going to a movie. A friend by the name of Matthew ordered a Happy Meal because he was on a ‘diet’ at the time. A Sesame Street figurine of Oscar the Grouch came with the meal. Mathew offered me the toy, suggesting that I should give it to one of the little charges of mine. I just took it without thinking much of it.

I was looking after Mathilde the next day. At the time she was still the only child. We did all the usual things, including going out for a walk twice that day and being spied on by the nosy neighbour. Just prior to serving her dinner I remembered the figurine and gave it to her. Even though she was only a toddler, I told her that a friend of mine got it but he did not want it, so she could have it. I didn’t think much about what I said. Neither did I pause to see if she understood what I said. Mathilde was two and was not capable of making complex sentences yet. The toy was forgotten after dinner.

When I arrived the day after, Mathilde’s mum requested to talk to me. She looked serious and I thought something bad had happened. She was ‘told’ that I had given Mathilde a toy. She queried about the toy and I told her the full story. There wasn’t much of a story. The toy was given to me to give to any one of my charges because the initial owner (Matthew) didn’t want it. It wasn’t an old dangerous toy. Unlike the typical Happy Meal toys this was pretty well made. It was too big to fit into her mouth and was therefore safe for her. It came in a little plastic bag (which I had discarded thoughtfully) and I had washed it with detergent before giving it to her. Mum wanted to know why I gave her a gift. There was no reason. It wasn’t her birthday and it wasn’t Christmas. I gave it to her without any reasons. I just did. Mum was not happy. She implied that I or the other person (Matthew) must have a reason. Despite my explanations, she asked again if Matthew gave the toy to Mathilde directly. I said no because Matthew couldn’t have possibly have visited without permission. I am too proud as a nanny to allow those sorts of mistakes. I tried to reassure her that I take my job seriously and had no intention to harm Mathilde in any way. Before ending the ‘conversation’, she explained that Mathilde has plenty of toys and does not need another one. She then picked up the figurine and placed it on the kitchen bench. It sat there for days before I threw it away on the Friday of that week and nothing was ever mentioned of it again.

Readers may wonder whether the mum refused the toy because it was another cheap licensed product. I don’t think that was a problem. At that time, Mathilde’s parents had just introduced the girl to children’s videos like Sesame Street, The Wiggles, Playschool, etc. This was part of her preparation to becoming a big sister. To many parents, TV shows, videos and DVDs are especially helpful when the nanny is not around.

I think the whole thing was blown way out of proportion by a little paranoia. Many parents these days are worried about abuse, abduction, germs and infection. Judging by what the media shows us everyday, every parent has a right to be worried. Mathilde’s mum was one of these parents. I myself may one day become a worried mum too. No one wants to see their precious little bundle suffering if it can be avoided. However, children suffer as well if parents become overly protective or suspicious. They may end up missing out on some important life experiences.

From this experience, I began to notify the parents every time I had a present to give for Christmas or a birthday. I even tell them what the item is before hand. After I left Mathilde’s family I made it a personal policy to let new parents know that I give my charges small presents for their birthdays and for Christmas. The two families that shared me after my work with Mathilde didn’t take much notice of what I told them but found it somewhat annoying that they had to get me something in return. Yes, they made it quite obvious. And no, they weren’t joking. The current families that I work for welcome my gifts to their girls. Like the English family that I first worked for, these two families are generous when it comes to selecting presents for me. I have also met other friendly and generous families that I babysit for. I haven’t been babysitting in recent years but most of the families that I used to babysit for (referring to those that I babysat for regularly) were happy to accept gifts and happy to reciprocate. Not all parents are fussy or overly worried; I however believe that it is best to be prepared by notifying them first than to be stung again.