Good Manners like Saying Thank You

Warning: This is a long post!
In my years of working with families, taking care of little children, I have seen things people do to get their children to behave in a certain way and to say certain words to at least look like they are well behaved. For instance, some new parents are so eager to either be good examples right from the start or for fear of being judged by another adult (especially a nanny), they ask the baby of only a few months old to say thank you when something is handed to him or her. I think that in many of these instances, the parents were doing it for show because the child is way too young to be aware of such social rules and when the right timing comes along, few parents actually consider spending time teaching the child the fine details of good manners. And by the time the house is filled with additional children, some parents are so exhausted; they either give up on these ‘little finer details of life’ and may even delegate the job to teachers or resort to threats and humiliation.

Threatening or humiliating a child is definitely the wrong way to encourage them to practise good manners. I am certain that it will backfire and depending on the child’s personality, it can be quite damaging. The example I gave before does not mean that I am against the idea of setting good examples. Role modelling is the most effective way but it shouldn’t be done as a show and if the child is expected to participate, then it should be age appropriate as well. The child’s adult carers, older siblings, other family members and friends are the role models. They need to be consistent because the young child is learning by observing what and how others behave in different situations. There is little point in teaching values like saying Thank You when no one around him follows that through in real life.

‘Ta’ is the easy word used widely in Australia as a way to say Thank You casually. This is not allowed in a few households because it is considered inferior to them. This is not a problem in the two households that I work for now. Stella is growing out of it while Bree has just begun to use it in the last few months.

One afternoon, Bree got up from her nap asking for ‘tanies’ (her word for sultanas) for afternoon tea. I decided right then that I was going to show her how to say Thank You. As she was sitting on the potty, I simply told her that when I give her ‘tanies’, she should say ‘ta’. She looked at me with a funny facial expression. I wasn’t sure if she was concentrating on what she was doing at the time or if she was having trouble understanding what I just said. LOL. Once she was seated at her little table, I handed her the opened cookie jar for her daily allowance of two Marie biscuits. (By the way, Bree has been able to count to two since before Christmas!) Before I got a chance to prompt her, she said, ‘Ta’. Half way through the first biscuit, I was at the kitchen counter pouring her half a cup of milk; she remembered her earlier request for ‘tanies’ and asked for it. I came back to her table with her milk and a small pack of sultanas. She didn’t thank me when I placed the milk in front of her. She must have forgotten because she was totally focussing on the pack of sultanas. LOL. I then reminded her by simply saying that Bree should say thank you or ‘ta’ when @#*-@#* gives her something. She didn’t say it but she was clearly listening. When she finished her last mouthful of biscuit, I placed two little sultanas on her plate. She thanked me before eating them. We repeated this until she ate about a third of the little box of sultanas. Bree is allowed to have half a box at a time and her allowance is normally placed on her plate except that I decided to play this little game with her that day to encourage her to say Thank You. She had less that day because she also had those two Marie biscuits. Even though little toddlers prefer small meals throughout the day, her parents prefer that she is not overfed during morning and afternoon tea times because food served at proper mealtimes (e.g. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner) is far more nutritious than biscuits. Since then, we have also role played the sequence using props like her red puppy dog (a soft toy that looks rather like Clifford) and toy food. We have also branched out to other nice things to say (e.g. ‘please’). This is a long process especially with Bree partly because she has only just begun to use short sentences. Practice is the key to success. Apparently her dad didn’t quite know what to make of it when his little girl thanked him. LOL. He wasn’t expecting it and I think Bree is still pretty much the miracle baby that they brought home a little over two years ago.